Outwoking the woke crowd

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” was written by Frank Loesser in 1944. It’s about a man and a woman in an apartment during a snowstorm. It’s a back and forth duo with the man trying to get the woman to stay. It’s a light-hearted flirtatious, charming, song that’s been re-recorded many times.

This, of course, angered the #MeToo crowd, who suspect that someone, somewhere is enjoying themselves. They argued that one line in the song — “Say what’s in this drink? (no cabs to be had out there)” — was a reference to date rape. This caused several radio stations to cancel airings of the song on their stations.

So, to appease the #MeToo crowd, this year a new version has been recorded by John Legend and Kelly Clarkson. Instead of the “date rape” line of “What’s in my drink, etc..” the new politically correct line goes: “What will my friends think? (I think they should rejoice)/If I have one more drink? (It’s your body, and your choice).” Gag me with a rag.

Bu, I see an opportunity to outwoke the woke crowd, so I’ve made some changes of my own:

I really can’t stay (But baby it’s hot outside)

I’ve got to go away (But baby it’s hot outside)

This evening has been (You’ve got soot on your chin)

So very warm I’ve just come through a firestorm

My partner will begin to fret (It’s hot, I’m starting to fret)

The electric’s out once more (Listen to the firestorm roar)

So, really, I’d better beat it (You’ll fry out there, believe it)

How ‘bout a drink, I’m sure you’ll agree (Don’t pull a Bill Cosby on me)

The fire’s reached next door (Baby, it’s hot out there)

Hey, what’s in this wine? (Who’re you? Harvey Weinstein?)

Please just tell me how (The ring on your eyebrow now)

To tell you I’m boltin’ (The gold in that ring is molten)

What a creep you are (That eyebrow burn is gonna scar)

I’m tellin’ you No, Thankee (Hey! I’m no Al Franken)

At least we can say it’s heartwarming (We can blame it on global warming)

I really must scat (But baby it's hot outside)

It singed off my tat (But baby it’s hot outside)

I’m not one to cower (Unless you’re Matt Lauer)

Things have sure turned sour (Just give me an hour)

The answer is no (But baby it’s hot outside)

I’m tellin’ you no (But baby it’s hot out there)

This meeting’s been weird (Is it my Manson-like beard?)

I’m gonna expire (Bad news, your Tesla’s on fire)

My lover will be jealous (I’m just a little zealous)

My stepbrother’s gonna inquire (Wait, did I hear gunfire?)

I don’t mean to embellish (But your life’s about to get hellish)

I don’t think having a joint would hurt (If you’ll stop thinking I’m a pervert)

I gotta roll (But baby you’ll turn to charcoal)

Excuse my demeanor (But you look like Anthony Weiner)

These wildfires I hate (Baby, welcome to the Golden State)

It’s spread to Pasadena (That straw you’ve got is a misdemeanor)

Boy, it’s hot outside (Baby it’s hot outside)

Now, isn’t that better? Something you and your loved one can sing this Christmas while sitting watching your chestnuts roasting o’er an open fire.

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