2019 The Year in Review

JANUARY

The government shuts down, although no one notices. A new Congress takes over with the Democrats in the majority and Nancy Pelosi as speaker. She runs into opposition from the far left in her party. Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer reverse themselves on building a wall on the southern border. Exotic diseases not seen since the dark ages start showing up in California. In response, they ban plastic straws. It’s OK to poop in the streets, though. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez announces the world will end in 12 years due to global warming.

FEBRUARY

Roger Stone’s house is secretly raided at 7 a.m., known only to the FBI and CNN. Punxatawney Phil is labeled a global warming denier for predicting six more weeks of winter. Venezuela collapses due to the excellence of socialism. Virginia Gov. Northan has photographs shown of himself in blackface. As does the attorney general. The lieutenant governor is charged with sexual assault. Fortunately, they’re all Democrats and nothing happens. Kamala Harris announces her candidacy for the presidency. Colin Kaepernick reaches a settlement with the NFL. AOC vetoes an Amazon plant in her district that would have employed 23,000 jobs. Jesse Smollet, an actor, says he is attacked at 2 in the morning by two white guys wearing MAGA hats who poured bleach on him and put a noose around his neck. Frightened, he stopped at Subway for something to eat and then called the police. Democrats deny that there is a “crisis” at the border.

MARCH

For the first time ever, ugly people appear at the Oscars. The Conowingo Dam floods again. Farmers are blamed. “Beto” O’Rourke enters the Democratic primary by showing videos of himself getting his teeth cleaned. Colleges are rocked when it’s found that wealthy parents are cheating on their kids’ SAT scores. Hearings begin and end for the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh to the U.S. Supreme Court. After the end of the hearings, a surprise witness comes forward to announce that Kavanaugh had sexually attacked her in high school. She could not remember how she got there or how she got home, who else was there or where it was. Her primary witness denied her allegations. Despite this, Democrats voted to deny confirmation based on the witless excuse, “I believe her.” Baltimore Mayor Pugh is found to have sold tens of thousands of her book “Healthy Holly” to the University of Maryland hospital. When no one can find these books, she explains that they were taken from her by “two guys wearing MAGA hats.”

APRIL

It’s revealed that “Beto” O’Rourke was the model for those creepy windsocks that car dealers used. Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez demands that the Electoral College should be tuition-free. Mick Jagger checks into the hospital with heart problems. Bandmate Keith Richards says he “should take better care of himself.” Easton holds an election, although very few people know about it. The Four Seasons project seeks approval. (Oops, my fault, this is very old news.) The Beverly Hillbillies leave California, citing the high taxes and the homeless living in their “cement pond.” Chris Davis of the Orioles announces that he has found the “flaw” in his swing and expects a productive year. Washington state considers using human remains as compost. Julian Castro, a Democratic candidate for president says taxpayers should pay for abortions for indigents who couldn’t otherwise afford one, “even transsexuals.” The anxiously awaited Mueller report is released.

MAY

Stacey Abrams declares herself the winner in Georgia, although she loses by 55000 votes. Orioles are officially eliminated from the playoffs. William Barr testifies before Congress and holds them all in contempt. Boris and Natasha are found to be on the FBI’s payroll. The Bill and Hillary Clinton’s show closes on Broadway. They blame a “vast right-wing conspiracy.” Instant replay moves to the Kentucky Derby and ruins that, too. The FBI denies “spying” on Trump, saying they used surveillance facilitators. Women in Alabama say they will withhold sex until the abortion law there is changed. This makes for some angry family reunions. Teresa May in England continues to postpone Brexit. Democrats admit there’s a border crisis ... and blame Trump. Grumpy cat dies. Trump successfully sues Stormy Daniels, proving he’s a great negotiator.

JUNE

A new plea is entered into court cases, “not exonerated.” The Democrats find that while Trump didn’t steal any horses, he obstructed them when they tried to hang him. With no viable programs of their own, the Democrats continue to find something with which to impeach Trump. California continues to lead the country in homelessness and welfare recipients. Howard Dean testifies as an expert witness before Congress on obstruction of justice. Joe Biden is made to wear a pet collar to keep from hugging young women. In California, you can be fined for using plastic but not for pooping in the street.

JULY

Kamala Harris informs 130 million Americans that if they like their health insurance, they can’t have it. Democrats decide that Americans can be fined for not having Obamacare but that illegal aliens will be given it for free. Mad Magazine goes out of business. Oddly, Alfred E Neuman lookalike Mayor Pete rises in the polls. Nike cancels putting Betsy Ross on their shoes on the advice of Colin Kaepernick, who then puts his face on sneakers.

AUGUST

Trump calls Baltimore a “rat-infested hellhole.” Baltimore officials claim that they have “cockroaches, too.” Bulletproof vests go on sale for a “back-to-school special.” The Mueller Report finds that Trump had “no collusion with Russia”, although it’s clear that Mueller never read the report. Burger King introduces a meatless burger. Trump considers buying Greenland. Cory Booker is amazed that you can buy white people. Balloons are outlawed in Queen Anne’s County. Democrats and the media try to stoke fears of a recession. In order to cut down on backups, the state is considering putting a new Bay Bridge span in the exact same place.

SEPTEMBER

Former FBI director Comey admits to leaking to The New York Times. Bill deBlasio drops out of the Democratic race, surprising millions of people who didn’t realize he was in it. Mick Jagger is shocked that things have become so “uncivil.” Michael Moore declares he’s going on a hunger strike until Trump is removed from office. Predictions range from five to 10 years. The Taliban refuses to meet with Trump at Camp David because they’re afraid of driving through Baltimore. A historic house in Talbot County is moved to Queen Anne’s County. Offers are being considered for the courthouse. The Canadian prime minister is also shown in blackface.

OCTOBER

Democrats admit they were wrong about border security, Ferguson, Benghazi, Stormy Daniels, Michael Avenatti, cash to Iran, Russian collusion, the Steele Dossier, FBI bias, Elizabeth Warren being an Indian and the entire Kavanaugh hearing, but they’re sure about Ukraine. England continues to try and undo the will of the people concerning the European Union. Bernie Sanders has a heart attack. Fortunately, he doesn’t have his Medicare-for-all plan. An impeachment inquiry is held in an undisclosed basement to ensure “enlightenment.” LeBron James is upset that the riots in Hong Kong are upsetting his ability to sell sneakers in China. Hillary Clinton accuses Tulsi Gabbard of being a “Russian sleeper agent.” The Washington Nationals win the World Series.

NOVEMBER

The first all-woman spacewalk leads to a fight when they realize they’re both wearing the same outfit. California catches on fire again. Michael Bloomberg enters the race promising to spend as much money and meet as few voters as it takes. Impeachment witnesses continue to parody REO Speedwagon’s “Take it on the Run” with “I heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from another ...” Washington College, in keeping with the tenets of a liberal education, shuts down “The Foreigner” for fear some students may object to actors portraying the Klan. Baltimore Mayor Jack Young kicks off his campaign by pointing out that he hasn’t “murdered anyone.” The Kirwan Commission recommends spending billions of dollars more on education, although they can cite nowhere this has ever worked. Pabst Blue Ribbon announces a new 99-pack of beer.

DECEMBER

The Maryland Commission on the Legalization of Marijuana still can’t, for some reason, come to any conclusion. Joe Biden calls his bus tour the “No Malarkey” tour, saying he thinks it’s “the bee’s knees.” The inspector general’s report announces that the FBI application for a FISA warrant was riddled with mistakes, inaccuracies and flat-out lies. Former Director Comey said he was attacked by “two white guys in MAGA hats” and the original report was stolen. The House votes to impeach President Trump along partisan lines but doesn’t send it along to the Senate until they “promise to help us find some evidence, anything.” In Massachusetts, a police therapy dog, “Ben,” is discovered stealing toys intended for children. He doesn’t have to return them because they’re covered in “too much slobber.”

Follow me on Twitter @connie_stardem.

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